Ext college campus - day
FRED is running though his college campus, drenched in sweat. Around him are plenty of students playing Frisbee and bathing in the sun. We move to a CLOSE UP of Fred and two doppelgangers appear on his shoulders. FREDDY is dressed in plaid shorts and a bright read hoodie. FREDERICH is dressed in pressed slacks, a button-up shirt,and a sweater vest.
FREDDY
Why are you doing this? Since when have you been healthy.
FRED
I'm doing this so I can get laid.
FREDERICH
(Dripping with sarcasm)
There you go that's the right spirit. You're doing this so you can live to see the invention of the light saber.
FRED
I can't wait to have a light saber.
FREDERICH
Exactly, and if yo die of a heart attack when you're 40, you'll never have one.
FREDDY
You guys are stupid.
FREDERICH
Just 3 more miles. You can do this.
FRED
I don't know if I can do this.
FREDERICH
C'mon, having six pack abs will get you so much tail.
Freddy gives Frederich an incredulous look.
FREDERICH
Carrot and the stick.
As Fred continues to run, he and his doppelgangers notice a very WELL ENDOWED GIRL jogging towards him.
FREDDY
Oh. My. God. Those are some tig ass bitties.
Freddy makes a motorboat sound.
FREDERICH
You are an animal.
FREDDY
And you are a vagina. Fred, when she runs by you turn around and slap her square on the ass.
FREDERICH
Fred if you do that, I swear to God-
FREDDY
Do you want to get laid or not? Girls love it when guys are strong and masculine like that.
FREDERICH
Do you really want to tell everyone in every neighborhood you move to the rest of your life that you are a registered sex offender?
FRED
Good point. I'm going to go with Frederich on this one.
The girl runs by and smiles at Fred. Fred smiles back. He turns around to watch her run jog away and trips.
FREDDY
Well done Romeo.
As Fred gets back up, a HOMELESS MAN shows up out of nowhere.
HOMELESS MAN
Change?
FREDDY
Are you serious? He's jogging where the hell is he going to keep his money you effing moron. Get off the streets and make something of yourself!
FRED
(To the homeless man)
Sorry, not on me.
FREDERICH
Poor guy was down on his luck.
FREDDY
That lazy bastard? No, he's just trying to leach of other people.
FRED
He was wearing some pretty nice shoes.
Fred starts up running again and admires the scenery for a couple of minutes, then he sees a gaggle of freshmen walking on the sidewalk and taking up both sides.
FRED
Dammit. I hate it when people walk on the wrong side of the street. Everyone is supposed to stay on their right, just like traffic.
FREDDY
Just plow them over. Make them learn their lesson.
Beat.
FRED
Frederich, you're really quiet.
FREDERICH
Me? I'm with Freddy on this one, I hate when people do that shit. Plow 'em down!
Fred gets closer and closer to the group, who remain oblivious to him, until he jumps in the air and tackles the lot of them.
FRESHMAN #1
You're a jackass!
FREDDY
And you're retarded.
FRED
And you're retarded.
FREDERICH
Wow. I didn't think you'd have the balls to do that. Well done sir.
FREDDY
Yeah well let's see if this new running regime has payed off. The campus police are right over there.
FRED
Shit!
Fred gets up and sprints away into the sunset as the campus police chase him.
