Ext college campus - day
FRED is running though his college campus, drenched in sweat. Around him are plenty of students playing Frisbee and bathing in the sun. We move to a CLOSE UP of Fred and two doppelgangers appear on his shoulders. FREDDY is dressed in plaid shorts and a bright read hoodie. FREDERICH is dressed in pressed slacks, a button-up shirt,and a sweater vest.
FREDDY
Why are you doing this? Since when have you been healthy.
FRED
I'm doing this so I can get laid.
FREDERICH
(Dripping with sarcasm)
There you go that's the right spirit. You're doing this so you can live to see the invention of the light saber.
FRED
I can't wait to have a light saber.
FREDERICH
Exactly, and if yo die of a heart attack when you're 40, you'll never have one.
FREDDY
You guys are stupid.
FREDERICH
Just 3 more miles. You can do this.
FRED
I don't know if I can do this.
FREDERICH
C'mon, having six pack abs will get you so much tail.
Freddy gives Frederich an incredulous look.
FREDERICH
Carrot and the stick.
As Fred continues to run, he and his doppelgangers notice a very WELL ENDOWED GIRL jogging towards him.
FREDDY
Oh. My. God. Those are some tig ass bitties.
Freddy makes a motorboat sound.
FREDERICH
You are an animal.
FREDDY
And you are a vagina. Fred, when she runs by you turn around and slap her square on the ass.
FREDERICH
Fred if you do that, I swear to God-
FREDDY
Do you want to get laid or not? Girls love it when guys are strong and masculine like that.
FREDERICH
Do you really want to tell everyone in every neighborhood you move to the rest of your life that you are a registered sex offender?
FRED
Good point. I'm going to go with Frederich on this one.
The girl runs by and smiles at Fred. Fred smiles back. He turns around to watch her run jog away and trips.
FREDDY
Well done Romeo.
As Fred gets back up, a HOMELESS MAN shows up out of nowhere.
HOMELESS MAN
Change?
FREDDY
Are you serious? He's jogging where the hell is he going to keep his money you effing moron. Get off the streets and make something of yourself!
FRED
(To the homeless man)
Sorry, not on me.
FREDERICH
Poor guy was down on his luck.
FREDDY
That lazy bastard? No, he's just trying to leach of other people.
FRED
He was wearing some pretty nice shoes.
Fred starts up running again and admires the scenery for a couple of minutes, then he sees a gaggle of freshmen walking on the sidewalk and taking up both sides.
FRED
Dammit. I hate it when people walk on the wrong side of the street. Everyone is supposed to stay on their right, just like traffic.
FREDDY
Just plow them over. Make them learn their lesson.
Beat.
FRED
Frederich, you're really quiet.
FREDERICH
Me? I'm with Freddy on this one, I hate when people do that shit. Plow 'em down!
Fred gets closer and closer to the group, who remain oblivious to him, until he jumps in the air and tackles the lot of them.
FRESHMAN #1
You're a jackass!
FREDDY
And you're retarded.
FRED
And you're retarded.
FREDERICH
Wow. I didn't think you'd have the balls to do that. Well done sir.
FREDDY
Yeah well let's see if this new running regime has payed off. The campus police are right over there.
FRED
Shit!
Fred gets up and sprints away into the sunset as the campus police chase him.
Matt this was wonderful! What a creative idea! I honestly don't have anything negative to say except for the fact that I was under the impression the story was supposed to be "dramatic" but I liked it so who cares :)
ReplyDelete-kay
Good job with this piece. First off, you need to re-read it and make sure you have everything spelled correctly! There are errors beginning in the opening. Also, I would have liked a better start. I need a little more to pull me into the story. The story is kind of all over the place. I wished you would have focused a bit more on the interaction between the guy and girl the first time and also on the attack of the freshmen walking. I did like the language you used though. Good job on the format. And I enjoyed how their names were all very similar.... Fred. Freddy. Frederich. It did however, make it kind of confusing at times. Keep up the good work!
ReplyDeleteMatt,
ReplyDeletethis is hysterical. i started laughing at this piece...alone. i like the inside of this kid fred's head. quite interesting. but i was going to ask, are you trying to contrast frederich and freddy as angel/devil characters? if so, maybe create more of a strong contrast between the two. in some parts of the story, i felt like the two were in agreement. maybe this is what you intended though. but bravo sir!
Margaret Fleming
Two places where the words are misspelled where i put the "", but dude this story was legit, it was real funny.
ReplyDeleteExactly, and if "you" die of a heart attack when you're 40, you'll never have one.
That lazy bastard? No, he's just trying to leach "off" other people.
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThis made me smile. There was a wonderful flow to the storyline and the dialogue between the dopplegangers and Fred gives a very interesting picture of the male mind.
Now you have me wondering if this is how guys think all of the time. Isn't there a prized 'nothing box' in that noggin, too?
It might be interesting to play up on that, too -- let the dopplegangers continue speaking and have Fred honestly say, "Oh I wasn't thinking about anything."
One thing that didn't quite make sense was the lightsaber bit but I think that was me and not you.
I don't know. I like the playfulness of your piece, though. Very easy to picture someone running on a rainy day. A little like the guy in Juno.
Hey Matt!
ReplyDeleteFunny story--I was a little confused at first, but as I continued reading I got it.
While reading this piece, Fred's encounters seemed a bit random and just out of no where. It might be helpful to anchor these meetings with different people by mentioning the setting and putting details about where he is jogging, what he is passing as he sees the girl and the homeless person, and the freshmen.
Good Job!
Matt,
ReplyDeleteThe idea for this dialogue was so clever. At first I was confused. I thought that Freddy and Frederich were actually people at first. Maybe something to give a hint to the fact that they are his "good angel and bad angel" might be helpful in the beginning. Also there were a few grammatical errors that can be fixed just by some extra proof-reading. Great work!