Jogging

Ext college campus - day

FRED is running though his college campus, drenched in sweat. Around him are plenty of students playing Frisbee and bathing in the sun. We move to a CLOSE UP of Fred and two doppelgangers appear on his shoulders. FREDDY is dressed in plaid shorts and a bright read hoodie. FREDERICH is dressed in pressed slacks, a button-up shirt,and a sweater vest.

FREDDY

Why are you doing this? Since when have you been healthy.

FRED

I'm doing this so I can get laid.

FREDERICH

(Dripping with sarcasm)

There you go that's the right spirit. You're doing this so you can live to see the invention of the light saber.

FRED

I can't wait to have a light saber.

FREDERICH

Exactly, and if yo die of a heart attack when you're 40, you'll never have one.

FREDDY

You guys are stupid.

FREDERICH

Just 3 more miles. You can do this.

FRED

I don't know if I can do this.

FREDERICH

C'mon, having six pack abs will get you so much tail.

Freddy gives Frederich an incredulous look.

FREDERICH

Carrot and the stick.

As Fred continues to run, he and his doppelgangers notice a very WELL ENDOWED GIRL jogging towards him.

FREDDY

Oh. My. God. Those are some tig ass bitties.

Freddy makes a motorboat sound.

FREDERICH

You are an animal.

FREDDY

And you are a vagina. Fred, when she runs by you turn around and slap her square on the ass.

FREDERICH

Fred if you do that, I swear to God-

FREDDY

Do you want to get laid or not? Girls love it when guys are strong and masculine like that.

FREDERICH

Do you really want to tell everyone in every neighborhood you move to the rest of your life that you are a registered sex offender?

FRED

Good point. I'm going to go with Frederich on this one.

The girl runs by and smiles at Fred. Fred smiles back. He turns around to watch her run jog away and trips.

FREDDY

Well done Romeo.

As Fred gets back up, a HOMELESS MAN shows up out of nowhere.

HOMELESS MAN

Change?

FREDDY

Are you serious? He's jogging where the hell is he going to keep his money you effing moron. Get off the streets and make something of yourself!

FRED

(To the homeless man)

Sorry, not on me.

FREDERICH

Poor guy was down on his luck.

FREDDY

That lazy bastard? No, he's just trying to leach of other people.

FRED

He was wearing some pretty nice shoes.

Fred starts up running again and admires the scenery for a couple of minutes, then he sees a gaggle of freshmen walking on the sidewalk and taking up both sides.

FRED

Dammit. I hate it when people walk on the wrong side of the street. Everyone is supposed to stay on their right, just like traffic.

FREDDY

Just plow them over. Make them learn their lesson.

Beat.

FRED

Frederich, you're really quiet.

FREDERICH

Me? I'm with Freddy on this one, I hate when people do that shit. Plow 'em down!

Fred gets closer and closer to the group, who remain oblivious to him, until he jumps in the air and tackles the lot of them.

FRESHMAN #1

You're a jackass!

FREDDY

And you're retarded.

FRED

And you're retarded.

FREDERICH

Wow. I didn't think you'd have the balls to do that. Well done sir.

FREDDY

Yeah well let's see if this new running regime has payed off. The campus police are right over there.

FRED

Shit!

Fred gets up and sprints away into the sunset as the campus police chase him.

Jesusgasm

“I haven’t been in church in so long,” Ryan said craning his neck up to the rafters and stained glass of the church lobby.

“I find it hard to believe you’ve ever stepped foot in a church.” Hank replied.

“Yeah, I’m an Episcopal. It like Catholic but half the guilt and twice the fun.”

Hank smiled. He was dressed in his Sunday best, from his gelled down hair to his well-polished shoes. Ryan was the exact opposite, wearing dirty jeans, an untucked flannel shirt, and hair that hadn’t been washed for days.

“I haven’t been to church in a long time either,” Hank said. “I used to be a Jesus freak but I kind of got burned-“ Hank’s eyes focused on a cluster of people chatting across the lobby. “Christ, there he is, grinning like an idiot.”

“Who?” Ryan asked, confused.

“Damn, he saw me,” a young pudgy man started walking towards Ryan and Hank waving vigorously. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”

“Hank, brother! Where’ve you been?” the man asked as he approached. He was in his mid-thirties with a dirty-blonde hair done up to a faux-hawk. Grinning and holding out his hand, he shook Hanks’s vigorously. “It’s so good to see you Hank, It’s been too long.”

“Yeah it has,” Hank said. “Chris, this is Ryan, Ryan, Chris.”

Smiling, Chris leaned in and looked Ryan intensely in the eye. “So good to meet you, Ryan.”

“Ditto,” Ryan said, trying to suppress a laugh.

“Now Ryan tell me,” Chris said seriously, “do you have a personal relationship with our one and only lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”

“Um, yeah.” Ryan was caught a little off-guard. Hank was massaging his forehead, shaking his head as he looked at the ground.

“Hallelujah! Ryan, that is so good to hear!” Chris exclaimed. “Ryan, I can tell we’re going to be great friends! Hank, it’s a blessing to see you again. Y’all come inside and sit with me. Today’s going to be great, Hank, Stephen Rogers is leading the praise band.”

Hank and Ryan looked at each other then followed Chris into the chapel. “Interesting friend,” Ryan Whispered.

“You haven’t seen the half of it, Hank whispered back. “That man is psychotically Baptist.”

The church was very modern. Instead of pews, rows of padded folding chairs were set out in front of a raised platform where the band consisting mostly of high school kids was playing. Leading the band was a guy sitting behind a very shiny grand piano. He was dressed in a pinstripe suit that was too big for him and wore his spiky hair with way too much gel. He wasn’t necessarily a bad singer, but completely inappropriate for church, like a nasally and pitchy Justin Timberlake.

“Who is this cracker?” Ryan asked looking towards the stage.

“Stephen Rogers. Be careful what you say about him. People around here love that bastard.”

They made their way to some seats in the back near the isle. Ryan looked around and noticed that a majority of the people around him had their hands in the air and were swaying with their eyes closed. With a half effort, he began to join in but Hank grabbed his arms and put them back down. He looked at Ryan and shook his head.

Stephen and his minions transitioned into an upbeat number. You could feel the change in the room. People began to shout “Hallelujah!” and “Amen” and the man across the isle from the trio even started to shake.

Chris’ arm was in the air as he sang along to the music. “Praise Him!” he shouted.

“Okay, why the hell did you bring me here?” Ryan asked.

“Those two.” Hank pointed toward the right side of the stage where a lanky, stoned-looking bass player and feisty little drummer were playing. “They’re the best drummer and bassist I know.”

Ryan nodded and looked down, the man across the aisle as now shaking violently on the floor. “Um, I think that fella’ is having a seizure.”

Hank looked down towards the man, “Holy crap! Chris, that guy needs help.”

Chris glanced over and just smiled and shook his head. “Haven’t you ever seen the Holy Spirit, overtake someone?” he asked. “It’s a wonderful thing.”

Hank hesitated, “No, Chris, I don’t think this is just a Jesusgasm-”

“Hank,” Chris said, “Trust me, I know the difference between the hand of God and epilepsy.”

Writer's Block

by Matt Munson

I need to write a poem but I have no inspiration

Or (come to think of it) talent for written text

All my ideas are cliche or trite or lacking formation

You see? I can't even use words in their proper context

It's like I'm verbally stunted,

Like I have nothing to say

And the things I do think up are too emotional

So they sound pretty damn gay

If I can't write a poem, I doubt I'll pass this class

I'll never be able too-

Wait, everything I just said rhymes,

I just wrote a poem, bad ass!

Jesters of Leon

by Matt Munson

Kings of Leon

I really don't get what people see in you

I find your music exceptionally mediocre

I've heard nothing from you

that I haven't heard before

And yet you seem to be very popular

The first time I heard you

I thought you were Coldplay

And it make me immediately hate Coldplay

Apparently a draw to you is that you guys are brothers

And you fight all the time.

Like Oasis

I understand you used to be good

But then you quit doing drugs

Like Aerosmith

You have song titles and lyrics

That don't make sense

Example: "Sex on Fire"

But other bands already

Have song titles and lyrics that don't make sense

Like The Beatles

Kings of Leon

You are not as good as any of these bands

Please dethrone yourselves

Poets, a Haiku

by Matt Munson

I think that poets

are just lazy song writers

who can't write music

Ode to the Rhyming Dictionary

by Matt Munson

Trying to think up words for poems

Can send your mind into chaos

But if I use the rhyming dictionary

I find... that there's no rhyme for chaos...

Dictionary, I trusted you

You give me no rhymes, it's hurtful

I'm sure there's a rhyme to make this part work

No, there's not a rhyme for that either

I starting to get worried

How can I compose my opus?

Is there even a rhyme for "opus"?

I look in the rhyming dictionary and all is says is "We're sorry, there is no rhyme for this word"

Dictionary what good are you?

Having no rhymes messes up my rhythm

I'd like to end this poem on a rhyme

So I'll invent a new word: smithem