“I haven’t been in church in so long,” Ryan said craning his neck up to the rafters and stained glass of the church lobby.
“I find it hard to believe you’ve ever stepped foot in a church.” Hank replied.
“Yeah, I’m an Episcopal. It like Catholic but half the guilt and twice the fun.”
Hank smiled. He was dressed in his Sunday best, from his gelled down hair to his well-polished shoes. Ryan was the exact opposite, wearing dirty jeans, an untucked flannel shirt, and hair that hadn’t been washed for days.
“I haven’t been to church in a long time either,” Hank said. “I used to be a Jesus freak but I kind of got burned-“ Hank’s eyes focused on a cluster of people chatting across the lobby. “Christ, there he is, grinning like an idiot.”
“Who?” Ryan asked, confused.
“Damn, he saw me,” a young pudgy man started walking towards Ryan and Hank waving vigorously. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…”
“Hank, brother! Where’ve you been?” the man asked as he approached. He was in his mid-thirties with a dirty-blonde hair done up to a faux-hawk. Grinning and holding out his hand, he shook Hanks’s vigorously. “It’s so good to see you Hank, It’s been too long.”
“Yeah it has,” Hank said. “Chris, this is Ryan, Ryan, Chris.”
Smiling, Chris leaned in and looked Ryan intensely in the eye. “So good to meet you, Ryan.”
“Ditto,” Ryan said, trying to suppress a laugh.
“Now Ryan tell me,” Chris said seriously, “do you have a personal relationship with our one and only lord and savior, Jesus Christ?”
“Um, yeah.” Ryan was caught a little off-guard. Hank was massaging his forehead, shaking his head as he looked at the ground.
“Hallelujah! Ryan, that is so good to hear!” Chris exclaimed. “Ryan, I can tell we’re going to be great friends! Hank, it’s a blessing to see you again. Y’all come inside and sit with me. Today’s going to be great, Hank, Stephen Rogers is leading the praise band.”
Hank and Ryan looked at each other then followed Chris into the chapel. “Interesting friend,” Ryan Whispered.
“You haven’t seen the half of it, Hank whispered back. “That man is psychotically Baptist.”
The church was very modern. Instead of pews, rows of padded folding chairs were set out in front of a raised platform where the band consisting mostly of high school kids was playing. Leading the band was a guy sitting behind a very shiny grand piano. He was dressed in a pinstripe suit that was too big for him and wore his spiky hair with way too much gel. He wasn’t necessarily a bad singer, but completely inappropriate for church, like a nasally and pitchy Justin Timberlake.
“Who is this cracker?” Ryan asked looking towards the stage.
“Stephen Rogers. Be careful what you say about him. People around here love that bastard.”
They made their way to some seats in the back near the isle. Ryan looked around and noticed that a majority of the people around him had their hands in the air and were swaying with their eyes closed. With a half effort, he began to join in but Hank grabbed his arms and put them back down. He looked at Ryan and shook his head.
Stephen and his minions transitioned into an upbeat number. You could feel the change in the room. People began to shout “Hallelujah!” and “Amen” and the man across the isle from the trio even started to shake.
Chris’ arm was in the air as he sang along to the music. “Praise Him!” he shouted.
“Okay, why the hell did you bring me here?” Ryan asked.
“Those two.” Hank pointed toward the right side of the stage where a lanky, stoned-looking bass player and feisty little drummer were playing. “They’re the best drummer and bassist I know.”
Ryan nodded and looked down, the man across the aisle as now shaking violently on the floor. “Um, I think that fella’ is having a seizure.”
Hank looked down towards the man, “Holy crap! Chris, that guy needs help.”
Chris glanced over and just smiled and shook his head. “Haven’t you ever seen the Holy Spirit, overtake someone?” he asked. “It’s a wonderful thing.”
Hank hesitated, “No, Chris, I don’t think this is just a Jesusgasm-”
“Hank,” Chris said, “Trust me, I know the difference between the hand of God and epilepsy.”
For some reason when I finished this at 2 in the morning it seemed like a great idea to leave it off where I did. When I woke up this morning I realized that was stupid.
ReplyDeleteI would add a better ending but I feel like that's cheating.
-Matt
Matt! This story was very entertaining. One thing though was in the beginning
ReplyDelete"...he shook Ryan’s vigorously. “It’s so good to see you Ryan, It’s been too long.”
I believe this person is supposed to be Hank and not Ryan. Or I could be very wrong..anywho keep up the good work! :)
-kay
Whoa, you're so right. Fixed.
ReplyDeleteI agree this story was very entertaining and quite a funny read. I liked the characters--especially Chris, who you make coming off as the well meaning, but pushy and extremely "spriritual" christian. Some things I have to suggest is that there seems to be a lot of telling of the character's actions rather than showing. My example is the part:
ReplyDelete“Um, yeah.” Ryan was caught a little off-guard.
You could try talking about what he does to show that he was caught off-guard, rather than just saying he was caught off-guard.
Another thing is I got the feeling that there was alot of loose ends in that my "why" questions didn't get answered: like why did Hank pull down Ryan's hands during worship? Who is saying “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry…” Hank or Ryan? I am guessing Hank, but I had to re-read that to make sure Chris wasn't walking towards them saying it.
And does the guy just stay on the floor having his seizure?--i mean if you meant to have the ending hanging then, its cool, that's just my question/suggestion; I wanted more of a backstory because I was curious about and liked the characters. I thought it was really interesting how Hank was dressed in his Sunday best, but didn't want to participate in the service, but Ryan who was dressed slopily actually made an attempt. Really cool story and food for thought. :)
I agree with everyone that your story was very entertaining. Towards the end where you used "Jesusgasm" it was hilarious. I also like your physical descriptions of the characters. One thing though, did you intended on leaving the audience questioning what happened? Was your short story's main purpose just a comedic relief? I guess all the dialogues did throw me off a little bit here and there, but I am pretty sure we read a story in class that were all dialogues, didn't we? I love the humor in the story.
ReplyDeleteI suggest capitalizing the Lord and Savior part, and this even adds a little emphasis to the character of the psychotic Baptist.
ReplyDeleteMatt,
ReplyDeleteI like the story. It was pretty entertaining because I have witnessed such stories like this. I suggest that you re-read your work and go over any spelling and grammatical errors. I know that is the worst part about writing but it will make the paper flow better.
Also, I would have liked to see more of a background story. I liked the context a lot and i thought the events were pretty funny but I would have liked to see who Hank and Chris really were prior to the church adventure.
Good job. The dialogue was great! I think this story could turn into to something really funny if you added a couple more pages. The ending left me guessing but yes there are many different ways you could have ended it.
Keep up the good work.
-Becca
The title definitely caught my eye. I liked the way you used "Christ" and "hallelujah" to express your character's emotions rather than a reference to religion. This added humor to the story. The ending reminds me of the end of a joke because it is abrupt. However, this could be an innovative way to end a story.
ReplyDeleteI really liked the characterization in the beginning of the story, however i think you could add some background to the two characters' religious upbringing to bring in more depth. for instance, where they grew up? what religious convictions they had as kids? you did this some with the Jesus Freak line etc and i liked that! i think it helps the reader sift through the story easier. but great job!
ReplyDeleteI like the story because i feel like a lot of people our age go threw what your characters go threw (not going to church). The story is very light hearted and realistic. I thought the line where you say that Episcopalians have half the guilt and twice the fun was funny as well. i liked the characters but would like to know a little more about them (background). Also the title is my favorite because it is so unique yet everyone knows what you are saying. Awesome job.
ReplyDeleteJohn Rutherford
Hilarious story and not typical. It was a nice break from all of the serious stories. I need more background on the characters because I am left very curious and with a lot of questions of why they did what they did. Good job!
ReplyDeleteMatt,
ReplyDeleteI thought this story was really funny, and I like that you chose to focus on one event and expand on it. I think some more information on the characters would be helpful. Are they musicians? Is that why Hank wanted to show Ryan the band? You could even go into why Hank got away from going to church as much as he used to. There are a lot of areas where you can add more to the story, which might be fun to explore! Great job!
I liked the changes you made in your presentation. I like how the super righteouss man is knocked down after he encounter a problem since this often happens in real life.
ReplyDelete